Maya Angelou once said, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” Emphasising the silence women must maintain to avoid causing a scene, being labelled as ‘crazy’, or making waves. It emphasises the silence of those witnesses who refuse to speak up. These minor acts of contempt, mistreatment, and abuse have a significant impact on building a larger culture of Gender-based violence.
A scene all too familiar to women
Not long ago, a friend and I went to a pub in Hillcrest, looking for a relaxing evening. Instead, we were confronted with hostility when a man proceeded to verbally attack us. His words were brutal, and his demeanour entitled. What is the reaction of the establishment? Silence—at least initially. After several phone calls to the operations manager, they admitted their failure to act. They barred him from returning unless he apologised. Following a weak, dishonest apology, he resumed his sad routine of visiting the local pub every day. It serves as a reminder of how entrenched particular behaviours may become when left unchecked.
Ingrained belief systems
When I told another man about the experience, his answer was expected and highly concerning: “What did you gals do? This instinctual questioning, or attempt to blame the victim, exemplifies the deep foundations of gender-based violence. It begins with thoughts and attitudes: the casual rejection of women’s discomfort, the normalisation of disrespect, and the deeply ingrained belief that women are to blame for inciting abuse.
These attitudes are not new or extraordinary; they are prevalent. In South Africa, where 51% of women report experiencing gender-based violence and 76% admit to perpetrating it at some point, it is apparent that violence does not begin with a raised fist. It starts with a mindset, one that justifies disrespect and excuses aggressive behaviour.
In that pub, we dared to set a boundary, alerting the man not to speak to us like that and requesting to be left alone. That request elicited an explosion, not because of our words, but because they questioned a deeply ingrained entitlement—an entitlement that causes certain males to believe they may behave without consequence, that their desires trump our right to be respected.
The seeds of Gender- Based Violence take root when people do nothing
This story is more than simply one incident; it is an invitation to reflect. Every woman who has been questioned, challenged, or blamed, and every time a public space has become a battleground of words and power dynamics, there is a potential for transformation. Gender-based violence begins not only with headline-grabbing physical acts, but also in everyday situations where disrespect is tolerated, rationalised, or overlooked. Yes, men also get abused, and I am not ignoring this, but as illustrated in our example, power often transfers in favour of men in terms of status and build. Even local pub managers support the abusers if they are ‘ respected’, male, and local.
We all need to consider our social roles concerning this issue. Not just those who violate the boundaries of others but also those who remain silent. We must dismantle GBV and the ideologies that support it. Seeing women as equal human beings whose limits should be respected and whose stories should be heard. Hearing without suspicion or blame.
Recognising the disrespectful seeds that allow violence to flourish is the first step towards changing a violent culture. It calls for bravery, responsibility, and a readiness to face hard realities on both a personal and a group level. Only then can we progress towards a society where women can live freely without suffering, fear, or blame.
This is how it starts, and when left unchecked, it is a natural progression. Next time it may be “just a push”, then a shove,… and so it goes, until everyone is shocked that the woman ends up murdered in a fit of rage. And everyone is shocked because “she never said anything”. But she did, she tried, at the beginning, but nobody listened.
Good point!