There are some experiences you don’t expect to have in 2026.

A girlfriend and I decided to stop in at Stokers Arms in Kloof for a drink and a bite to eat. We expected good food, conversation and a relaxed evening. Instead, we found ourselves in the middle of an incident that has left me questioning whether some establishments are doing enough to protect their patrons from abuse.

You can read my original Google review here:
https://maps.app.goo.gl/vymdKZmoUcsw1Gxw7

The evening took a disturbing turn when a local patron directed racial slurs at my Black friend. It wasn’t a misunderstanding. It wasn’t a disagreement over a table or a drink. It was racism.

When I challenged his behaviour, his attention turned to me. He became increasingly aggressive, calling me names I won’t repeat and shouting that we weren’t welcome because we weren’t “locals.” The confrontation escalated to the point where I felt genuinely intimidated.

To management’s credit, they did respond when I called them over. They attempted to calm the situation. However, the outcome was disappointing. Rather than removing the customer responsible for the abuse, we were asked to move to another part of the restaurant while he remained where he was.

Eventually, we decided to leave.

As we walked out, another member of the group shouted, “Good riddance.”

That sentence has stayed with me.

The Bigger Issue

This article isn’t about trying to cancel a restaurant. It’s about asking an important question.

When someone is openly racist or verbally abusive in a public establishment, who bears the consequences?

Should the victims be expected to move?

Should they simply leave?

Or should the person creating the unsafe environment be asked to do so?

Too often, women who stand up for themselves are asked what they did to provoke the situation. We are expected to explain why we responded instead of asking why someone felt entitled to shout at us in the first place.

That mindset has to change.

This Isn’t an Isolated Conversation

KwaZulu-Natal has seen previous high-profile incidents involving allegations of racism and violence in hospitality settings. While every incident has had its own circumstances, they have all sparked important conversations about discrimination, accountability and customer safety.

For me, though, this experience wasn’t only about racism.

It reinforced something I’ve written about before: gender-based violence doesn’t begin with physical assault. It begins with entitlement. It begins with intimidation. It begins with the belief that someone has the right to dominate, threaten or silence another person simply because they dared to speak up.

When women are expected to move, stay quiet or justify why they challenged unacceptable behaviour, we shift the focus away from the person responsible and onto those who experienced the abuse. That is how harmful behaviour becomes normalised.

I explored this in more depth in my article, The Seeds of Gender-Based Violence, where I look at how everyday acts of intimidation, disrespect and silence create the conditions for more serious violence to take root. You can read it here:  https://unfolddurban.co.za/gender-based-violence/?srsltid=AfmBOoppwGK-m-7T2Regl5IO73o-ZLwfJ2izn00aCtTXmH_FEKht1UZ8 

Whether the issue is racism, intimidation, or harassment, these conversations matter because they challenge us to ask what kind of communities we want to build—and what role businesses have in making people feel safe.

Hospitality Should Mean Everyone Is Welcome

The hospitality industry has an enormous responsibility.

Restaurants and pubs should be places where people from every background feel safe enough to enjoy an evening out without fearing intimidation, racism or abuse.

Management cannot always prevent difficult customers from walking through the door, but how they respond when incidents occur speaks volumes about the culture they want to create.

Removing the victims from the situation may diffuse tension in the moment, but it also risks sending the message that the disruptive behaviour carried no real consequence.

Why I’m Sharing This

I’m sharing this because silence allows these moments to become normal.

I hope Stokers reflects on how incidents like this are handled in future. I also hope other hospitality venues across Durban, Hillcrest and Kloof continue to train staff on handling racism, harassment and intimidation decisively.

Every customer deserves to feel safe.

Every woman deserves to be heard.

And no one should be made to feel unwelcome because of the colour of their skin or because they chose to speak up when something was clearly wrong.

Have you experienced discrimination, harassment, or intimidation at a restaurant or pub in Durban? I’d like to hear your story. Share your experience in the comments or get in touch via Unfold Durban.